


Actual Cannibal General Hux

by Esmethewitch



Category: Shia LaBeouf - Rob Cantor (Song), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack, Gen, How Finn got stuck in Sanitation, Humor, Parody, Performing Arts, Song Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:21:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25455352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Esmethewitch/pseuds/Esmethewitch
Summary: Hux stumbles across his employees engaging in a performing arts extravaganza of song and dance. There's only one problem; it's about him killing and eating people.
Comments: 11
Kudos: 19





	Actual Cannibal General Hux

Occasionally, General Hux would stumble across things that he was not meant to see aboard the  _ Finalizer.  _ These included things like Captain Phasma without her armor, Ren with his hair in a goopy orange “hair mask” wearing nothing but a towel and an irate expression when he should have been in a meeting, and Supreme Leader Snoke putting his dentures in when the shriveled old monstrosity thought that he’d turned off the video on his holocall. As distressing as all of these images were, Hux was comforted by the fact that none of this was  _ malicious  _ and the incidents were more embarrassing to the other person than himself. Except for Ren, of course. Hux’s treacherous mind had filed that image away for later perusal in private. 

This performance he’d happened to walk in on was nothing like those previous horrors. It was late at night and he thought he’d heard strange noises coming from the Multipurpose Room, a large expanse of waxed black floors that served as an overflow cafeteria and lecture hall. Tonight it was a theater. The wall furthest away from the door was lit up in red, and a small stage lay before it. There was a string quartet, a piano, and a group of the younger Stormtrooper cadets dressed in Praetorian Guard robes that had been cut down to size. To the children’s right stood the All-Squads Stormtrooper A Capella company, dressed in formal concert blacks. 

He squinted. Was that  _ Mitaka  _ bent over a cello up there? And why was FN-2187 standing center stage before a microphone? Oddly, the Multipurpose Room had no audience sitting in the rows of empty folding chairs; it was just him and the performers. They stared out into the darkness like they were waiting for his arrival. FN-2187 tapped the microphone, then nodded to the instrumental performers. He began to speak: 

_ You’re sneaking into the base _

_ There’s no one around and your commlink is dead _

_ Out of the corner of your eye you spot him: _

And here the drummer (Petty Officer Thannison, if memory served ) whispered:  _ General Hux. _

FN-2187 solemnly continued:

_ He’s following you, about 9 meters back _

_ He gets up on the toes of his boots and breaks into a sprint. _

_ He’s gaining on you _

Chief Petty Officer Unamo stopped the ominous tremolo from her viola and murmured:  _ General Hux. _

FN-2187 kept a stony expression, helmet tucked under his arm and said:

_ You’re looking for your escape pod but you’re all turned around _

_ He’s almost upon you now _

_ And you can see there’s blood on his face _

_ My God, there’s blood everywhere! _

The chorus began to sing in earnest, and some dancers emerged:

_ Run for your life from General Hux! _

_ Brandishing a knife it’s General Hux! _

_ Lurking in the shadows… _

_ Starkiller superstar General Hux! _

A small knot of people dressed in the black, formfitting training clothes worn by Stormtroopers danced around, some dancers ducking as others lunged forward, pantomiming stabbing with an invisible knife. To Hux’s chagrin, he recognized Phasma among them. She wore full armor, but with a little black tutu in concession to the occasion. She was not at all hampered by the armor and pirouetted into the waiting arms of another trooper. 

_ Living in the hold, General Hux. _

_ Killing for sport, General Hux,  _

_ Eating all the bodies _

_ Actual cannibal General Hux! _

At this very untrue allegation, Hux clenched his gloved fists. The larger dancers mimed biting their partners on the thigh. He still stood in the shadows; it seemed that nobody knew he was there. When did they have time to rehearse this thing? Why was it written? Who could he court-martial? All questions he could answer when the offending parties had completed their performance and received charges of Insubordination. Starting with FN-2187, whose measured tones were beginning to get to him:

_ Now it’s dark and you seem to have lost him. _

_ But you’re hopelessly lost yourself. _

_ Stranded with a murderer. _

_ You creep silently through the empty halls. _

The dancers tiptoed and crept in a ring, peering out from under the flats of their hands and affecting frightened expressions.

_ Aha! In the distance _

_ A TIE fighter unlocked with the ignition on. _

_ Hope! You move stealthily towards it.  _

_ But your leg! Ahh! It’s caught in a mynock trap! _

The dancers crumpled to the floor, and the chorus of children and troopers let their full volume flow forth:

_ Gnawing off your leg (Quiet, quiet, _ the “quiet” spoken by a round little boy in red robes with an eerie expression on his face)

_ Limping to the controls (Quiet, quiet) _

_ Now you’re in the cockpit _

_ Sitting inside: General Hux! _

_ Sharpening a blade, General Hux _

_ But he doesn’t hear you enter, General Hux _

_ You’re sneaking up behind him _

_ Strangling superstar General Hux! _

At this, more dancers appeared, shirtless and wearing some sort of giant paper-mache likeness of him on their heads. The unmasked dancers each attacked their corresponding “General Hux”.

_ Fight for your life with General Hux. _

_ Wresting a knife from General Hux _

_ Stab him in his kidney _

_ Safe at last from General Hux! _

FN-2187 spoke again:

_ You limp into the dark corridors _

_ Blood oozing from your stump leg _

_ But you have won; you have beaten _

_ General Hux _

_ And you can get a cheap, quality prosthetic later. _

The dancers slumped in relief. But then, the choir sang out in warning:

_ Wait! He isn’t dead, Armie Surprise! _

_ There’s a gun to your head and death in his eyes _

_ But you can do jiu jitsu _

At this, several more troopers were slowly lowered from the ceiling on strips of what Hux recognized as torn banners bearing the insignia of the First Order. They flexed into splits and swung rhythmically to the music.

_ Bodyslam slaughterer General Hux _

_ Legendary fight with General Hux _

_ Normal Taungsday night for General Hux _

_ You try to swing a knife at General Hux _

_ But blood is draining fast from your stump leg. _

_ He’s dodging to the right, he parries to the left _

_ You counter to the right, you catch him in the neck. _

_ You’re chopping off his head now _

(A shower of red glitter as the big-headed False Huxs sank to their knees. Hux’s jaw dropped. This disloyal crew had made a musical number about treason! How did they have the time to rehearse? How was this even possible since he’d cut the Stormtroopers Performing Arts training budget?)

_ You have just decapitated General Hux! _

FN-2187 permitted himself one small smile:

_ His head topples to the floor, expressionless. _

_ You fall to your knees and catch your breath. _

_ You’re finally safe from General Hux… _

At this, Hux stepped out from the shadows, glared at the trooper, and clapped so hard his palms would be sore for days. If he couldn’t Recondition this man, he’d see him demoted to sanitation. The performers on stage froze like statues as he continued to applaud.


End file.
